I am in a vortex of obligation.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
