kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
