When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
