in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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