every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
