Midget sex pt 2 tonight
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just found puke in my bra..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
