I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
