the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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