oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
