Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
