I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
