I am midnight drunk by noon
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize