We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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