his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
