wat bout pragnant strippers??
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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