You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
