She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
