i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize