Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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