There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
