By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I touched a dick in church today
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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