Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
