Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
