Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
