I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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