You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
