Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
