if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
