I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
it hurts more in the daytime
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
