What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
