you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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