I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
