Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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