in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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