You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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