pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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