I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
