Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
