Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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