Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
