Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
