Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
