i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
