Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
