Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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