in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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