God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
