She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
