just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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