We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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