Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
