My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
