My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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