She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
