I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
