I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
