Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry my hands just texted you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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