Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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