Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
